Honour Your Father and Your Mother
The Essential First Step on the Path of Manliness
The Tale of Jack and Tim
Let me share an old traditional story about two young brothers with a new twist.
Once upon a time there were two brothers, named Jack and Tim. Jack and Tim grew up in a comfortable homestead in the countryside, never lacking in material possessions or opportunities.
One day, feeling restless and yearning for adventure, the younger brother Jack approached his father. "Dad, I want to experience life on my own terms. Give me my share of the inheritance now." His father, though saddened by Jack's request, agreed and divided his assets between the two sons.
With his newfound wealth, Jack set off for the big city far from home. He indulged in every pleasure imaginable—lavish parties, expensive clothes, and fleeting romances. He lived as if there were no tomorrow. But as we often see with such reckless abandon, his fortune dwindled quickly.
A severe economic downturn hit the city, leaving many destitute. Jack found himself broke and desperate. The only job he could find was for a big social media company, training a new Artificial Intelligence chatbot called "Echo" to identify and censor potentially offensive content. So he spent all his hours sitting in front of a computer looking at offensive content with Echo the AI. Soon he had no human connection left at all.
One evening, sitting in front of the flickering screen, it struck him: "My father's employees are happy and have real human connections. Here I am starving for real human connection. I need to go back." Humility washed over him as he realized how far he'd fallen.
Determined to return home, he rehearsed what he would say: "Dad, I've wronged both you and our values. I don't deserve to be called your son anymore. Just let me work for you as a servant."
As he approached his childhood home, still rehearsing his lines in his head, his father saw him from a distance. Overcome with compassion, he ran to Jack and embraced him tightly.
"Dad," Jack began with a quiver in his voice, "I've sinned against you and everything you stand for. I'm not worthy to be your son."
But his father interrupted him: "Quick! Bring out the best clothes for him! Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet! Prepare a feast! My son was lost and is now found; he was dead and is alive again."
Meanwhile, Tim returned from working in the fields and heard music and celebration coming from the house. Confused and somewhat irate, he asked one of the employees what was happening.
"Your brother has come back," the employee explained. "Your father is celebrating because he's returned safe and sound."
Tim felt a surge of anger and refused to join the festivities. Seeing this, his father went out to speak with him.
"Look," Tim said bitterly, "I've served you faithfully all these years without ever disobeying your orders. Yet you've never thrown a party for me."
His father placed a hand on Tim's shoulder and said, "Son, you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we celebrate because your brother was lost but now is found; he was dead but now lives."
How The Prodigal Son Illuminates Our Modern Predicament
Forgive me for this "modernised" updating of this timeless story from the Gospel according to Luke. Sometimes we benefit, just as Jack did, from a little distance from something we are so used to, in order to benefit from it.
The Parable of the Prodigal Son serves as the perfect illustration of how tradition helps us to see reality more clearly. This ancient story, simple yet profound, powerfully depicts the Nice Guy and Bad Boy patterns, described in my previous post on Nice Guys and Bad Boys in their archetypal forms.
The younger brother exemplifies the Bad Boy—selfishly and unashamedly taking what he wants. The older brother perfectly represents the Nice Guy—working hard for his father while harboring resentment, never fully embracing his sonship. More on this analysis in the article here.
Thus, the modern insights about these dysfunctional approaches to manhood aren't some new, ground-breaking revelation. In fact, this brief parable provides wisdom about these patterns which has served as a guide for millennia and will also outlast today’s psychological theories.
This is just one example of the trouble we get into when we abandon tradition in the mistaken belief that it was all "myths and fairy tales" not applicable to our modern world. A society that no longer appreciates tradition as a source of wisdom loses its ability to see the treasures contained within it.
Every one of us recognises and is inspired by the qualities of a traditional hero when we see a character in a story who gives up their personal wants, even their own life, for the good of others. And yet, for some reason, we fail to implement this in our own lives, and become petty and selfish about the smallest little compromises in getting exactly what we want.
Tradition can thus help a man to see reality clearly, and act effectively, incorporating the strengths of both approaches while transcending their limitations. Similar to the Bad Boy, a man can be honest about his needs and boundaries—but like the better aspects of the Nice Guy, he also must consider the impact of his actions on others. In the long term, no one wants to be around a manipulative pleaser or a self-centred taker.
Four roles for men
In the Path of Manliness, I have formulated an approach which avoids swinging between these two roles, and provides a structure for vertical growth, first described in this post where I lay out the purpose of this Substack.
The path is found by taking on traditional wisdom on the four key, archetypal roles in a man’s life: as a son, a brother, a a husband and a father.
Up to now, I have been setting the scene. The purpose of this post here is intended to introduce you to the first role - the son.
The Son
There is a way in which we are the same as Jack. Today it is popular to talk about "The Fatherless society". We hear all the time, "There are no fathers", "we have no male role models" any more, "fatherhood extinct". And yet there has never been a human alive who does not have a father. In my work, I see a deep and heartfelt desire amongst many men, to take on the role of fatherhood, for biological sons as well as other fatherly relationships.
So in the below, you can think about being a son in regards to your biological father, but you can also think about it in regards to anyone who is in a position of authority above you - even if it is a woman.
The hypotheses I am putting forward is that, perhaps the problem is not so much the lack of fathers. Perhaps it is more the lack of men who are willing to accept their role as a son. I think that this may be due to a general sense of entitlement, excessive glorification of victimhood, and the disincentives it provides for taking on responsibility, and then the simple rejection of reality resulting from this.
I am reminded of the quote from 'The Rime of the Ancient Mariner': "Water, water, everywhere, nor any drop to drink,"
Like the ancient mariner, who wanted water without salt to drink, we are looking for fathers, any fathers—just not the fathers that we actually have. It's like we are saying, "Fathers, fathers everywhere, but none are good enough for me."
While drinking salt water is obviously not a good idea, tradition holds a principle, which can help one to benefit from your actual fathers, irrespective of how “salty” they may be.
The principle is simple: Your job is not to determine if your father did his job well enough or not. Nor is it to judge to which extent and in which ways you are damaged by him.
Instead, a son should honor his father.
Honour Your Father
You cannot change your father. Your biological father is given to you. He may be wise and compassionate, he may be a tyrant, or he may be dead. In a broader understanding of fatherhood, in some cases, to a certain extent, you can change fathers. You cant change the president of your country, but you can move. You cant decide on a new boss for your company, but you can quit and find a new job. As for the police, well, you can try outrunning them on the motorway, but that usually just means meeting lots more of them, and you liking them even less.
If you notice you don’t like your dad, and that everywhere you go, you have a problem with fatherly authorities, then the problem is not with the authorities.
Its about you.
And I should be the first to put up my hand here. This is about me.
But here is what I have always known, but am only now starting to really live by: The only person in the universe that I can change, is myself. When it comes to our fathers, every single meeting with a father, with an authority, is an opportunity to learn to be a good son. This is especially the case in the face of fathers we do not understand or judge negatively.
If you respect towards your father is conditional on him fulfilling our expectation of what kind of father he should be, then you will never get past this step, and will be stuck in a perpetual cycle of rebellion and immaturity.
Where We Are Going From Here?
In following posts, we will look at how the modern, progressive approach to sonship is primarily modelled on rebellion.
We will understand how this contrasts with the traditional approach to sonship, based on respect, accepting and understanding one's place.
We will speak about the limits of obedience and when you should actually say "no" as a son.
And we will map out how learning obedience, respecting those above you and honoring fatherly authority as a son, irrespective of his failings, is essential throughout your entire life, and particularly as you progress to the next roles on the path of manliness.
If you want to get extra support in finding your way on the path of manliness with a close team of men to support you, then check out my network of online men’s groups focused on accountability for action.